When Ypur Not Notified by Family Your Dad Died Months Ago
Decease brings out the best and worst in families. Working with patients and families at the end-of-life, we've seen behavior that runs all forth the spectrum. And though we dearest to gloat positive, warm-fuzzy, supportive, interactions, today nosotros're going to spend a little fourth dimension talking about family fighting after a expiry.
When otherwise amicable friend groups and families fight after a death, it tin experience like a secondary loss. You lot're trying to cope with the death of your loved 1, and of a sudden your back up system is not only unsupportive but a source of additional stress.
If this has been your experience, please know that you are non alone. Not even close! So many people can relate to family fighting after a decease. What'due south the number one source of conflict? Yous guessed it, fighting over material possessions.
As hard equally information technology is for many of united states of america to acknowledge, countless families who never imagine there would be conflict over textile things are suddenly overwhelmed past disagreement over estates and belongings.
Common Material Conflicts:
When to brainstorm sorting through belongings. Some people are ready right away, some people want more fourth dimension earlier sorting through items.
Who gets what. Especially when there is non a volition, simply even when there is a will, there are oftentimes many household items or sentimental objects that are non accounted for.
What to keep and what to requite away. Attachment to objects can vary greatly from person to person. While one person may want to relieve every Tupperware container and tube of chapstick that mom always owned, other family members may be quick to toss those items in the trash.
Whether to keep or sell a house. Houses tin have tremendous sentimental value, making them something many family members don't want to function with. Houses can as well hold tremendous value, making them something many family members may want to sell right away.
Coin money money. Whether it is scraping together money to pay for a funeral, or dividing upwards bank accounts and investments without a will for clear guidance, money can rapidly become a sore spot.
Boosted sources of conflict:
At that place are many other sources of strain and conflict that can arise for families. There is no mode I could cover them all here, only some other mutual conflicts are:
Disagreements about treatment at the end of life. Conflict can brainstorm even before a loved one dies when families disagree about goals of intendance, withdrawing support at the infirmary, and caregiving responsibilities.
Arrangements. Questions like whether someone will be buried or cremated, where volition the service be held, where will they be buried, etc. tin can bring surprising strife betwixt family members.
Relocating. Afterwards a death, it is not uncommon that people may move, either by choice or out of necessity. This can split a family geographically and be devastating for those who feel left behind.
Custody. When expiry results in children who must be cared for, conflict can arise around who will get custody of the children if this was not predetermined.
Different grieving styles. We all grieve in dissimilar means and on different timelines. When people are grieving differently this can be a major source of conflict within families. This is especially mutual if one family member thinks another is not every bit impacted past the expiry or they are 'moving on' also quickly.
How to cope with family fighting after a decease:
I wish nosotros had an like shooting fish in a barrel solution to solve all conflict. If we did, we'd probably be busy making the rounds on Oprah and Dr. Phil. Unfortunately, there is no simple answer. All we tin can provide a little insight into why these conflicts may arise and a few suggestions to cope.
The Brain
Did you know that when people experience stress, their brains actually work differently? Information technology's truthful! I don't want to get bogged down in neuroscience, but all you really need to know is this: in that location are parts of our brain that think rationally and there are parts of our brain that think more than on impulse and emotion.
When someone is in a heightened state due to a stressful or traumatic event, it is harder to recollect with the rational part of the encephalon so they default to using the emotional parts of their encephalon. These are the parts that struggle with reasoning, retentiveness, and long-term thinking.
Ultimately, when multiple people, nether stress, acting from a place of emotion interact, conflicts can ascend.
Control
Experiences related to death and grief often make people feel a loss of control. As CS Lewis said, "No i always told me grief felt so similar fear". This alter, loss of control, and loss of stability can be terrifying.
During this time sure family members may seek to regain a sense of control any way they tin can. They may try to programme the funeral without getting anyone else'south input. They may decide they immediately desire to sort through holding. They may effort to exert control over other family members grief and coping.
Helping another family member to have a sense of command, while communicating how their actions are making others feel, can be helpful. If command seems to be a driving factor, other family members may be able to help guide this person's free energy into things that would be useful and that may cause less family strife.
Advice
Communication (or lack thereof) can exist a key effect that leads to disharmonize. If a plan isn't made for who, when, and how certain things will be handled, it is not uncommon for i person to go rogue. Communicating isn't always piece of cake, but information technology is crucial to reducing disharmonize.
If at all possible, make a program right away for how and when things will be handled. Concur on a time frame to all sit downwardly together to become over the volition, hash out adjacent steps, and ensure everyone is on the aforementioned page. Make a plan for regular updates and communication between family unit members.
If it is too belatedly for proactive planning, focus on giving feedback and getting dorsum on track. Keep in mind that emotions are running high, and then it is especially important to communicate effectively. Endeavour to avoid accusatory statements. Instead, focus on expressing your own experience.
This is the onetime "use 'I' statements instead of 'you' statements" trick. So, for example, instead of saying, "I can't believe you threw away mom's apparel without talking to me first. You are so self-centered and thoughtless". Instead, you could say, "I was really hurt when yous threw away mom's wearing apparel without talking to me starting time. It fabricated me feel like you didn't intendance nearly my grief or my attachment to those things.".
By focusing on the behavior, how it fabricated you experience, and the affect y'all tin can hopefully open a dialogue without making the other person defensive. Likewise, be open to their feedback. You probably haven't been perfect either, so try to openly heed to what they need from yous.
Generalizing the Negative
Endeavor non to generalize or globalize negative behaviors to condemn the person on a whole. For case, you lot and cousin John accept been close for 35 years and you lot recall he is a great guy. After the death of your grandmother, he seems selfishly fixated on getting ownership of her car. You are outraged and appalled, and then yous call up to yourself, "Wow, I ever idea John was a good person. Now I come across him for what he really is. I tin can't believe I never realized how greedy he is". All of a sudden everything else John does is overcast by your new-constitute realization that John is a shady, greedy troll.
Timeout. Let's accept a few steps back here. Grief makes us all practice crazy, sometimes crappy, things that nosotros often regret. It is important to cutting people (and ourselves) some slack. People do all sorts of atrocious stuff when they grieve, so view these things as poor choices due to an impossible time in life. Information technology doesn't override the 10, fifteen, 35, or 50 years of wonderful things you know about the person. Try to remember that this may be the exception in their beliefs, not the dominion. Just like you lot need to be gentle and forgiving with yourself, you need to be gentle and forgiving with others.
One final tip – Mediation
If there is truly no managing the conflict on your own, there are professional mediators who can assist. They tin work with your family to get through the basic logistics. They are trained professionals and you may just notice some fourth dimension with them can aid you better sympathize each other.
Here are a few additional posts related to this topic that you may detect helpful:
- Family Misunderstanding After a Death
- Grief or Greed? When Families Fight Over Material Possessions
- Grief Support Gone Wrong: When You're Beyond Second Chances
- Sorting Through a Loved I's Belongings After a Death [Webinar and Resources]
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Source: https://whatsyourgrief.com/family-fighting-after-a-death/
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